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Cycles
Albert Einstein once said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” So why is it that so often I find myself repeating the same old cycle over and over again, only to come out more bitter, more cynical, and ultimately less enchanted with the world. Whether it be with women, school, my family, my sports fanfare, friends, or even how I handle certain months of the year I constantly find myself repeating my past mistakes, and going through the same cycle over and over again. I’m almost as reliable as the San Jose Sharks inability to get to the Stanley Cup Finals when it comes to the way I live my life. Just like the Sharks I show promise and give hope that things are going to be different this time before falling back into the same patterns that have so haunted me. So how do we break ourself out of the vicious cycle that is life? How do we move away from repeating the same mistakes. It’s not that I don’t SEE what I’m doing wrong, it’s that even when I do see a mistake and try to correct it, I end up falling right back into those old comfortable habits. That’s the thing about vicious cycles, while they are hurtful in the long run, they are derived out of comfort and familiarity and it is those who struggle with the uncomfortable and the unfamiliar that greatly struggle with them. So where do I go from here? How do I make the changes so as to combat the cycles? I see I have a problem, as I have in the past, so now I must set out to change it. But there’s a catch, one that I have no answer for. You see I’ve made mistakes before, and I’ve sought out to correct them, but every time I tried or thought I had I ended up right back here…alone, confused, trying to figure out where I went wrong, and trying to correct it…I always end up right back in the cycle…
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The Seven Daily Sins Day 1: Pride. Seven great things about yourself.
1. I’ve seen a lot, and I’ve always come out stronger because of that.
2. People find me super nice.
3. I have a lot of great friends who support me.
4. I make a lot of people happy.
5. I know more about a lot of sports then most people.
6. I can write, have been published, and have gotten to interview professional athletes and coaches.
7. I’m motivated to go far, farther then most everyone.
Day 2- Envy. Seven things you lack and covet.
Day 3- Wrath. Seven things that piss you off.
Day 4- Sloth. Seven things you neglect to do.
Day 5- Greed. Seven worldly material desires.
Day 6- Gluttony. Seven guilty pleasures.
Day 7. Lust. Seven love secrets.
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Musings…
Letting go has never been something that comes to me easily. I harbor things in, I remember, I hold on, and for long periods of time I am eaten alive by the thoughts of what was, what is, and what could have been. My regrets often haunt my waking moments, as I question every little aspect of my life and how it played out. Instead of letting go of the things that I don’t understand, I analyze, I try to interpret, and I try to figure out what things would have been like if life had turned out differently. This introspection tears me apart on the inside, as I fight battles between the happy and sad parts of my brain. Is this healthy? Probably not, but for some reason I can’t help it. Struggling like this is all part of my journey here.
And maybe…maybe it’s not so bad after all. Because when I look at the defining moment of my life, the one moment that I’m still not able to let go of, well I don’t feel so dumb for not being able to let it go. All that pain and that hurt and the what ifs that I feel and think from Nathaniel’s adoption, have in a lot of ways become my driving force. By not letting go of that memory, by seeing his name tattooed on my arm, by remembering all the pain I felt, I motivate myself to go far. I push myself to be the best I can be. I don’t let go of my past, but I run forward with it on me at all times. And while sometimes that burden gets heavy, it’s a fact of life that I can’t ignore, but instead choose to embrace. I don’t let go of my past, I don’t let go of the pain I’ve felt, instead I carry it with me as I attempt to be the best that I can be. I’d rather hold on to the past, then let go of all the things that made me who I am today.
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Writing to clear my head
So I’m back in SJ now….its strange how a place I used to consider home, just no longer feels like home. A place I couldn’t believe I’d ever consider home 3 years ago is now a place I find myself longing for each and every day. I miss my friends, being on my own, and having my own place. I’m sitting outside my grandparents house hookahing by myself and I can’t believe the lonely isolation I feel here. There’s only a small group of individuals here who I actually feel any connection with and like I can see. It didn’t use to be this way…there used to be a seeming endless amount of friends here that I missed when I was in Hayward. But now I guess I’ve grown apart from all of them…for some strange reason there is no one here I’m super connected with aside from Linh, Diep, and my moms. Occasionally a friend or two from long ago and I will chat and maybe make plans, but for the most part those instances are few and far between. Because of that I guess I feel out of balance here in SJ. As if anything I do here is pointless and not me. I hate it…I hate this place…I need to work in order to make any of this have a point and to trim my hatred….I’m soooo bored and sooo just done. Counting the days till I’m back in Hayward…when those days finally come…maybe I’ll be balanced again…
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Letters to: Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Dear Rob and Linh,
So obviously I couldn’t just write a letter to one of you, it’s obvious to me and both of you that you are both an integral part of my life that I couldn’t do without. So you get a joint letter, one that shows how much I care about the both of you.
Linh, we’ve been friends for ages. 7 years have passed since my pokes in drama class drove you crazy while I was just trying to say, hi I like you! Since that time we’ve had a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs when it comes to our relationship. But what’s always remained a constant in these times is our care for one another. At times we’ve stopped talking, at other times we’ve gotten angry with each other, and other times we wanted nothing to do with one another. But what never changed is that we always wanted what was best for one another. As we’ve matured together we’ve learned how to balance the delicate tight-rope that our friendship rests on. You mentioned that at times you long for the old days, while others you are so proud of how far we’ve come. You’re right in both regards. Sometimes the old days seem more fun, more ideal, but I often dismiss that to the dream and fantasy we so wanted to live back then. Instead we now approach each other with the mutual respect, love, appreciation, and care that gives us a friendship unlike any other. A month or so ago, I hurt your feelings with a statement about how I wouldn’t really fight for us if it became between you and a girl. It was really selfish. Think of it as me striking back for years of feeling like you never fought for our friendship because of your boyfriends. It was DUMB. Retarded. And untrue. Best friend, I’m always gonna fight for our friendship. A girl who wants to be with me is going to have to meet you, and at the very least respect that your my best friend. It’s our relationship. It’s not going anywhere. I love you and value your place in my life so don’t you forget it!
Rob, you’re going to go down as the reason I needed to go to East Bay. By far you are the person who when I restarted my life was there to help me grow and thrive. We share everything; food, a house, video games, money, secrets, frustration, you name it! What’s funny is that at times we seem like COMPLETE opposites. But that’s mostly when I give off the exterior that I feel like I have to portray to the outside world. Only you really know what I’m really like and how similar that makes us. Even funnier is that you and I are so in tune with what we think and how we react to situations that it’s like we know exactly what the other is thinking! You’re quieter then I am that’s for sure, and too often it gets misplaced as I’m the leader of the duo…but we both know that’s false. If anyone asked me who I thought the leader was I’d tell them it was you. We are going to go down in history bro as one of the most dynamic duos that delta chi, east bay, and our friends have ever seen. I’m honored to be your best friend, and I hope that you feel the same. Shake and Bake bro, lets KILL it.
~Will
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30 Day Challenge
I’ve never been good at blogging, so lets see how a quickie 30 day challenge works for me? Do I keep at it or do I fail? Do I lose direction on this blog or is it uncovered? Who KNOWS?!?!
Letters to:
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror -
BS with finese!
At times, I think I’m unfair to every professor who has tried to teach me. I don’t pay that much attention. I facebook in class. I wait to do big assignments until the day they are due…and then you know what happens? I still get a good grade. This is gonna bite me in the ass one day, I prolly should change…but if I’m able to do it and there havent been repercussions what’s going to instigate my change? I’m a top notch bull-shitter…it’s what I DO.
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Hi Tumblr!
So I will try tumblr out for a bit, unsure how it will go. But one things for certain, another forum, another outlet where I can try to put down the crazy thoughts that lift aimlessly through my head and far to often are ignored, cannot be a bad thing. So get ready tumblr community, in a bit you may become way to annoyed with me, or maybe hopefully we create something special!
